All the Feelings
We had our get-away. Two days at the lake.
It was quiet, except for the geese, the squirrels and the crazy going off in my head.
If you are not familiar with centering prayer, here’s a quick 101. Centering prayer is about sitting in silence in 10-20 minute increments with the intention to be in God’s presence. it is a process of letting go and being with God. There are levels of awareness we go through when we are silent.
The first is very external and physical, we feel itches, or are aware of a particular discomfort.
Then we start to have those thoughts: Did I leave the oven on? Where is that receipt? I can’t forget to make that return. Is that person mad at me? I need to eat better. Centering prayer says, let it go, but this realm of obsessive thought, even though it seems miserable, is protecting us.
Some part of ourselves knows what will happen if we surrender to that friendly fire-All of the feelings come up like projectile vomit: Fear, Shame, Guilt, Loneliness, Insecurity, Grief.
My first instinct is always to manage. I know I am managing when I review the same exact thought for the seventh time thinking that if I rewind and watch it just once more, I will figure it out and stop hurting.
These 30 days of Rest are a living, breathing, awake version of centering prayer. With all of the silence and simplification taking place outside of my head, I am sinking into an open-eyed version of the levels of awareness.
This was my day to feel all the feelings and just let them move on through. They hurt, they scared me, they threatened to take over my serene weekend by the water.
We have been through some massive changes over this past year, but they pale in comparison to the changes that the next four years hold for us. There’s no such thing as getting settled when your kids are learning to drive and deciding where they are going to apply for college. There’s nothing to obsess about, but there is a lot to feel. I am feeling it. Letting these feelings do their work in my mind, in my heart and through my dreams. And trusting there is a God who is with me every level before and after this one.